Well, we made it. A pat on the back and a celebratory dab (either kind) are in order. It’s been a tough one, to be sure. In my column alone, I have shared the trials and tribulations of owning a ravenous snail-eating betta fish, dealing with people being rude about our children at restaurants, shopping cart struggles, understanding the Fortnite phenomenon, navigating (not surviving) the impending zombie apocalypse, even more shopping cart struggles, the chronicles of my failed attempts to quit smoking cigarettes, “Tip Top Tips” for both dealing with the constant barrage of awful news stories as well as advice on keeping a youthful appearance. It has been a joy to share these hurdles with you, and I hope you’ve learned something along the way. I know I have.
At the same time, it hasn’t been all bad. Hell, the Nintendo Switch alone is responsible for countless hours of joyful nostalgia this year. The Legend of Zelda, Super Mario Odyssey, Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, a new Mario Party and a new Smash Brothers? I mean really, what year was this again?? There was a new Predator movie, a new Halloween movie, a new Incredibles movie, and another entry into the Jurassic Park franchise. Steve Perry, Ice Cube, David Byrne, En Vogue, and Cypress Hill all released new albums this year– bizarre facts I knew without having to look them up. I’m also looking forward to that new Tears for Fears album next year. That’s a real thing that is actually happening.
Here at the end of the year, my browser history is riddled with Snopes pages and Urban Dictionary references. My children are getting older. They ask more questions, and I am forced to look up– or make up– more answers. Next year, we will begin to see people who were born after the attacks on September 11th earn the right to vote and join the military. That last bit isn’t supposed to be funny, but it makes me feel old… And it also blows my mind a little bit.
These things barely scratch the tip of the iceberg. We’ve covered a lot of ground together, yet there is still so much I have to share. I never got around to my column on why 80s New Wave synth-pop is the most influential genre in decades and should be respected as such. Nor did I finish my think-piece on the parallels between building Gundam robot model kits and the fight to get my children to eat anything other than chicken nuggets. I never even started the ill-advised column on the effects of a month-long all wheat, barley, and rye diet. I was gonna call it Gluten Size Me. There’s just so much to look forward to in 2019, and I can’t wait to tell you all about it. Happy New Year, everyone!